Friday, March 28, 2014

Because God is graceful, I am brave

So it's been a busy week. Aunt Flow finally arrived (5 days late of course) and I had more blood work and an ultrasound and they put me back on birth control to control my cycle. Everything looks great and my medications have been ordered. I go back to the Doctor on April 4th which will be the first day I start the first injection, Lupron. My medications should arrive in the mail today, I am still unsure my actual medication list. So far everything is on schedule for an April transfer date. Fingers crossed that my body cooperates and that I'm brave enough to give myself injections!! It will all be worth it once I get to hold my little one. I hope everyone has a great weekend:)

Monday, March 17, 2014

What if?

As the weeks go by and the time gets closer to start the prep work for IVF the more I feel the butterflies swarming in my stomach. At this point I am feeling several different emotions but I am mostly excited. I am excited that this might finally be it! All of the tears will have been worth it to finally hold my baby. I have such a good feeling about this! I truly believe God will give us our miracle!

I must admit though, in the back of my mind I can't help but ask what if? What if we go through this and it just wasn't meant to be? How am I going to handle not getting pregnant or even worse another miscarriage? What would be our next step? So many questions that I do not have answers to yet. I am trying my very best to push these thoughts out of my head but at the same time I feel that I need to keep my guard up to protect myself from the hurt and disappointment. Aghhh, the suspense of not knowing is killing me!

Patience is not my strongest trait and as much as the suspense of not knowing is killing me, I have come to the conclusion that worrying is not going to help me get our baby. I have to give my worries to God. I have prayed faithfully for our baby and I just have to trust that he will deliver. I have to trust his plan for our life.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

An Infertility Poem

I discovered this poem on another forum and wanted to share.

Walk in My Shoes 

Relax, relax, don’t obsess, that’s all they ever say.
Many days I wish the thoughts of baby would just go away.
Once you start trying to conceive and the wheels begin to roll,
It is very difficult to move on with life and to keep complete control.

Every month a roller coaster of emotions and despair,
I just wish that the problems would vanish in thin air.
The thoughts I have, the feelings too, won’t they ease up some?
Will the day I feel a baby kick and the joy it will bring ever come?

Those who try to help me just say that I obsess.
Don’t they know that until I see two lines I’ll be just a mess?
They make me feel abnormal, like I’m spinning out of control.
Everyone in my shoes knows how this takes its toll.

I cannot continue to let everyone act as if I am insane.
The thoughts I have, the way I feel, I have a right to complain.
Why does my body fail me, with its cruel and relentless ridicule?
My patience is wearing thin and leaves me feeling like a fool.

I wish for them not to judge, I do not want to feel this way.
I have the ache in my arms and heart each and every day.
Not having a baby is not an option; to me it’s like not having an arm.
Do they not understand that what they say does no good but harm?

I would have a baby now if my course in life I could choose.
Let them walk just one day in an infertile woman’s shoes.
Let them have the feelings that I live with and endure.
They would surely understand the plight that I can’t ignore.

Please Lord let them all understand that this is all I pray.
For every ache and pain a mother goes through every day.
I will take the sickness and all that comes with birth.
The end result would well be worth it and my heart would be filled with mirth.

So I end this with the same prayer that I have always in my heart.
I want the longing for a child to end and motherhood to start.
Please hear my prayer, oh Lord, today so my life can begin again.
Bless me with a little child that you send straight from Your Kingdom, Heaven 

Original Poem written by Amy Hurd, found at: ... ;f=4;t=666

Friday, March 7, 2014

IVF Treatment

I am currently in the 4 week waiting period before my IVF cycle starts. As soon as "Aunt Flow" arrives I will go in for more blood work to check my hormone levels which will then determine how much medication I will be taking. Thinking about what I am about to put my body through is a little scary but it's going to be completely worth it once I am holding my baby. I feel completely confident that God is on our side and this is going to work for us. Don't get me wrong, there are days that I feel pretty nervous and wonder if this is going to end up in another miscarriage or what if I don't even get pregnant, but I have to remind myself that this is Satan putting these thoughts in my head. God knows how much we want a child and I truly believe that he will deliver! I've listed some information below regarding the IVF process for those of you who might be curious.

IVF is a four step procedure:

1. Ovarian Stimulation and Monitoring: Various medications are used to stimulate the ovaries to produce multiple mature follicles (controlled ovarian hyperstimulation or superovulation), rather than the single egg normally developed each month. Follicles are cysts in the ovaries in which eggs grow to maturity.
Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) is the hormone used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs containing follicles. FSH is given by daily injection. The number of days and the dose will vary depending on follicle development. The response to FSH is monitored by ultrasound and hormone levels. When the follicles are fully developed, usually after 8 to 10 days, human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) is given to release the eggs and trigger the final maturation of the eggs

2. Egg Retrieval: Eggs are retrieved by ultrasound-directed vaginal aspiration of ovarian follicles performed under narcoleptic analgesia, which is a combination of pain relievers and sedation. A needle is guided into each follicle in order to aspirate its contents. The egg along with the surrounding fluid is removed from the follicle. The fluid is immediately examined under a microscope. The process is repeated until all the mature follicles have been aspirated.

3. Fertilization: A semen sample is obtained from the male partner and processed using laboratory techniques to obtain the strongest, most active sperm.
Prepared sperm are placed with one or more eggs in a laboratory dish. After 3 to 5 days, if the eggs have successfully fertilized and are growing normally, they are transferred to the uterus. Not all eggs will be fertilized and not all fertilized eggs will continue to grow. In some cases, the embryos may be transferred as early as 2 days or as late as 6 days after retrieval.

4. Embryo Transfer: Embryo transfer is performed under ultrasound guidance without anesthesia. The embryos are placed in a catheter for transfer into the uterus.

I will be going through IVF with Genetic Screening (PGS). Our Doctor decided to go this route because we have unexplained miscarriages. PGS permits analysis of the genetics of embryos prior to transfer. In English this means they will be able to test my embryos for genetic abnormalities rather than take the chance of a bad embryo getting implanted resulting in miscarriage....just another precaution. All of this (depending on my body) should take place toward the middle to end of April. I am so ready!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

My Story

July 2012:
The date my Husband and I finally decided to try and get pregnant. I just turned 30 and I seriously had the "baby itch". I had no clue it would happen so fast but it did. We were on a trip and when I got home I realized I was a few days late so I bought a test and it said PREGNANT. I can't begin to describe the joy and actual shock I felt, mainly because it happened so fast! We immediately began calling our immediate family and friends. We were on cloud nine and if I knew that this one word would have brought me so much happiness we would have started trying earlier. God had answered my prayers and the smile that was plastered on my face would never be removed. The demolition in the soon to be nursery has begun.

October 2012:
 Our first 8 week Dr.'s Appointment. 2 weeks prior to my appointment the cramping started. I bought several pregnancy apps and even started reading What to Expect When Your Expecting and from what I read this stuff was supposedly normal. I even called my nurse because some of the cramps were a little intense but was assured that as long as I wasn't bleeding not to worry. So I didn't. My 8 week appointment had finally arrived and I was so excited. I was getting ready to leave and had another bad cramp, went to the bathroom and the bleeding had started. At that very moment I felt something was definitely wrong, I couldn't breathe. I got to my Dr's office and had my exam and was assured once again that everything looked great and that the spotting was normal to come back to hear our little ones heartbeat in a week. I left the office still not convinced that everything was okay. Long story short I didn't make it to my 9 week appointment. My HCG levels started dropping and a DNC was scheduled for the end of October. I felt like all the walls were crashing down on me and was absolutely devastated. I questioned God's plan for us and just couldn't understand why he would allow something like this to happen. It wasn't fair! There are so many unfit parents out there abandoning their babies and I can't have one. The 2 week wait for the DNC was the worst 2 weeks ever. I have no words to describe the emptiness I felt waiting to have a procedure that was going to end my pregnancy. The DNC was completed and my Husband and Mom never left my side. My husband is absolutely amazing. I remember he stayed in bed with me that day holding me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. The very next day though he had me out of the bed and moving forward.

2 Month Wait:
This is the amount of time before we could start trying again. I had prayed and mourned the loss of our baby and was ready to move forward. During this waiting period I was a little impatient. I prayed all day every day for God to get us through this bump in the road and to give us strength. I started attending church faithfully and began learning more about God and his expectations for my life. My pastor gave a message one Sunday that really opened my eyes and touched my heart. He said "If God always met your expectations he would never teach you his greater priority. God's great priority is to show you he's not a bad God but to show you that he is capable of doing more than you realized. God has to disappoint us on our expectations so he can exceed them". I felt that we were being punished, why else would something like this happen to us? I had to learn to except my situation and move on which is easier said than done.
1 Samuel 16:18: When you are faithful to where God has placed you he will promote you.
I had to get to this point in my life where I could actually be content on where God  has placed us. It's a day to day struggle for me but 2 years later I really feel that I have gotten so much stronger and that would not be possible without my relationship with God or my family and friends have also been pretty amazing:)

January 2013:
The long, grueling wait was finally over and we were starting over. I expected to be pregnant within a few months because it happened so fast the first time and I was right!!!

February 2013:
I'm PREGNANT AGAIN!!! Apparently I am a fertile myrtle! The emotions that we felt came flooding in and we were ecstatic!! Why shouldn't we be, the word miscarriage was far out of my brain at this point. This kind of stuff doesn't happen back to back. We didn't announce our pregnancy the way we did the first time but did tell my mom, sister close friend and pastor. I called my nurse and went in immediately to check my HCG levels. And for those of you who have had miscarriages understand that the three day process of waiting to see if your levels will rise is such a scary process. My levels did rise and everything was going as planned. I started following all the pregnancy apps again and the smile was back. THANK YOU JESUS!

March 2013:
The cramps were back and I started bleeding. The sinking feeling in my gut started all over again. This was impossible, how could this happen twice?? My worse nightmare was happening and once again I couldn't breathe, we had reached another bump in the road (at this point I would call it a massive pot hole rather than a bump). I immediately called the Doctor and since it was a weekend I had to wait until the office opened on Monday. There was nothing they could do for me at this point and we just had to wait. Monday morning I was back at the Doctor getting my blood work to confirm that we lost our second baby. I was back in that dark hole and once again asking God the same question. Why is this happening to us? The blood work did come back confirming that my HCG levels had once again dropped and I was losing the baby. My Husband and I were once again devastated. I didn't have to have a DNC this time but the process just made me feel defeated. After two miscarriages my Doctor suspected something wasn't right so we started our infertility work up. We had so many different labs that I lost count. Long story short the labs, x-rays, and ultrasound all came back normal (Thank God) so we were released to try again.

November 2013:
It took a little longer this time but 2 days before Thanksgiving we are PREGNANT!! We were excited but cautious this time around. I didn't get my hopes up but I was smiling from the inside. The day after we found out the cramps and bleeding once again started. I wouldn't say it was easier to swallow at this point but over time I have developed an expectancy for bad things to happen when related to pregnancy.  I haven't been able to actually relate to a healthy pregnancy. My Husband has been such a rock and so supportive I honestly wouldn't have been able to pick up the pieces without him. We've once again hit this enormous hole in the road and I have went from devastation to anger. If you have no children but desperately want them then you know how hard it is to swallow, seeing everyone around you having babies and happy. Don't get me wrong I feel completely guilty to have these feelings but I'm only human. It seems like every corner I turn and every post I read I see or hear about someone getting pregnant. Within months the anger has faded and I am slowly beginning to be content where God has placed us. It's so frustrating after you lose a baby when people say things to you like "it was for the best", "your time will come", "it just wasn't the right time" and of course my personal favorite "be patient". Try to understand that sometimes the best thing to say in these circumstances is "I am praying for your and I am here if you need me". My best friend has been awesome through this entirely too long process. We have the relationship where I can tell her anything and everything. She knows when to push and get me to talk and when I have had enough. Hold on to these friends/family and continue to be faithful to God and one way or another you will get out of this on top! My pastor has been pretty amazing also through this process and sent me a tweet from Rick Godwin that speaks loud and clear "Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it"! That is just what we are going to do! These miscarriages have been huge obstacles but I refuse to allow this to break me! I have come to the understanding that this isn't going to be easy for us to have a baby and I might not be happy about it, but I have finally accepted it. He also sent me this positive message that got me through a pretty rough day "the storm that was sent to break me will be the storm that will be used to make me"!
We have been referred by our doctor to a fertility specialists at this point and we are ready for some answers.

March 2014:
Through a couple of months of more testing, ultrasounds, etc we have been told we were apart of the small percentage of couples who have "unexplained miscarriage". I am so thankful that we are both healthy but in the back of my mind I was a little disappointed that they couldn't just find something wrong, fix it, and get me a baby! Couples who have recurrent miscarriages can either cross your fingers and try again or start the IVF process. We have come to the decision that 3 miscarriages are just too many. We have the financial support (Thank God) that is going to allow us to start this process and couldn't pass up this opportunity.
Ecclesiastes 3:1: To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. 3:11: He has made everything beautiful in its time. As my friend says, "this is your year". I truly believe this also. Just because I don't see God at work doesn't mean he's NOT working! We are keeping our trust in God and as hard as that might be at times I truly believe he is going to bring us our miracle.
I will keep this blog updated with our IVF process in the next couple of weeks. I wanted to share this blog to raise awareness for the many couples who are struggling with infertility. Good luck to all of you going through this struggle and know that you are not alone in your journey.